We've had our second Nor'Easter in two weeks and the forecast is calling for below zero temps over the next few days. Do you know what that means, other than it being unbearably cold? That means I have to buy more heating oil. I bought 900 dollars worth in January and now I have to buy 900 more. Because thats how much fucking HEATING OIL COSTS ON THE EAST COAST. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN! That's insanity. Like, thats $1,800 in 3.5 months just to keep the water warm and pipes from bursting. And then after I took a shower this morning, a very quick one to save warm water because I'm paranoid about my heating, I found that there was a ceiling leak downstairs under the bathroom. Which is just fucking great. Because if there's anything I've learned, its that I have some sort of curse on me regarding plumbing. I don't know what I've done to piss off a witch so badly that they would specifically curse water flow in my houses, but it must've been something really special. It's all just too much. I could cry. In fact I have.

I cry all the time these days. I cry when I have to shovel the driveway. I cry when I check the weather report. I cry when I trip down the stairs, which happens at least once a week. I cry while watching the movie Babe in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. The lack of sleep makes me cry even harder. Two nights ago during the strongest part of the storm, I had such bad anxiety I ended up not being able to fall asleep until 5am. I've given up caffeine, so that late night lack of sleep was pure anxiety driven. Why? A million things. But in this specific case, it was because the snow plows hadn't gone through yet, and I was so scared that my dog would have another seizure and would need to go to the ER. The only catch is that the only 24 hour vet in Vermont is 45 min away near Burlington. That's bad enough in decent weather - but add in white-out conditions in the middle of the night and its not even doable. So I just sat there watching her every wiggle and move, terrified she was going to be sick and I couldn't do anything to help her. She didn't have one, thank God, but that didn't stop me from worrying. I worked myself up so badly that I had an asthma attack on top of it all for good measure. Go big or go home, ya know?.

And then add to all that me needing to get back out into the workforce. Aside from ya know, a salary, I also am desperate to be around people. I had high hopes of being back West by now, but life doesn't always go the way you anticipate. In this case, I feel like everything's falling apart around me. And yes, I know I'll figure it out. I'll get it all taken care of and Spring is around the corner and the birds will sing and I'll eventually find my groove. But until then, man? I am proud to say, it took me 8 months, but I've finally FINALLY reached the "Breakdown in the snow over a tapped-out well" scene from Baby Boom. I am OVER this shit. I'm over the delicate, beautiful, soul-sucking never-ending SNOW! I'm over bleeding money on snow tires and gas and heating oil and asthma inhalers and therapy and vet visits and orange vests to keep me from getting shot by deranged hunters! I'm over being isolated and only having my dogs for company! I'm sick of long distance friendships! I'm over Vermont tinder! I'm over boxing as my only outlet! I'm over treading water and not being able to see the forrest through the trees! I'm over pretending to like maple flavoring in every single fucking thing they serve in this adorable hell-hole! I. AM. FUCKING. OVER. IT!!!!!!!!

I am *this* fucking close to throwing myself into a snowbank and letting the Gods do with me what they will. Ugh. But, lets be real, it's too cold outside to even venture out long enough to find a suitable snowbank to throw myself into, so I'm stuck here. And here, at the moment, is miserable. And there doesn't seem to be a handsome vet around - one that will fuck me back to life and also help me acclimate to this maple syrup fever dream - but what can you do? You cry and stress and scream and then one day, you'll look back and laugh...maybe not laugh, laugh. Maybe more of an awkward, strained "haaaaaaaa". The kind where your eyes glaze over and you're flashing back and want to puke but you put on a brave face. Probably more of that. Maybe. I dunno. I'll cross that bridge if I ever get there.