Are you sitting down? Sit down. Seriously. Because I'm about to blow your fucking mind, my friend. Ok, sooo get this - apparently being forced to answer emails/calls in real-time, over the course of a decade, 24/7, for men who have extreme boundary issues, can completely destroy your sleep cycle. Bananas, right? Well, it's true. And I'm in a living Hell.

I wasn't always a night-dwelling, bitter goblin. No, no. It took a while to reach this level of awful, but if I had to pinpoint the beginning of this transformation, I think I have my second job in Hollywood is to blame. My boss was lovely, truly, but we were shooting four tent-pole films back to back, on different continents and I was in charge of "him" and he was in charge of everything. So that meant I not only had to schedule and control every single second of his day, but also what information he was giving and receiving. It was a great learning experience, but intense. Very intense. This job is when my life ceased being my own. This is when I stopped having days off. I had to be on call at my own colonoscopy. True story. Before this job, I was able to still have a bit of a social life. I did UCB, played kick-ball, took vacations - after the job started, I didn't have another vacation for 11 years. That's not an exaggeration. When you're working in this world, you're expected to field calls/emails/texts as they come to you. Doesn't matter if it's 2am or 2pm - you handle it. And I did. In fact, I came up with tricks just to make sure I would wake up - which, as a light sleeper already, wasn't all that difficult. I kept my phone on the loudest setting with the vibrate on, too - then I'd stuff it under my pillow. The sound/vibration combo would be right under my ear and it always provided a terrifying jolt to wake me from my slumber. I'd also double up and keep my laptop open in the space next to me. You know the space normally reserved for a warm body that provides companionship? Yeah, well that space was where my laptop sat open and whose email pings would also shock me awake at 3am. Gotta double up. And I'm sure you're wondering what could possibly be so important that I'd have to respond to it at 3am... It could be anything. It ranged from changing the schedule for the next day, to travel coordination, setting up a conference call for right that second with some other poor soul, to asking me to confirm if I had indeed picked up the dry cleaning and if so, "Where the fuck did you put it, Morgan?" - totally normal, super important shit. And if you say, "just don't answer " - let me tell you, the hell that came from NOT responding to those emails/calls/texts would result in days worth of stress. Sleep would cause me to lose my job, or worse, to get yelled at for days on end over the same thing.

So, here I am in Vermont with no responsibilities other than keeping myself and my dogs alive, and you'd think with the stress gone, I'd be Rip Van Winkle-in' it for the next year. Instead, my insomnia is worse than ever. I'm so conditioned to only sleep for short spurts (normally an hour and then wake up, hour then wake up) and at odd times, that I'm now barely sleeping at all. I'm hitting Mariah Carey on TRL levels of sleep deprivation. It's not pretty. But given that I'm now basically an honorary opossum, I figured I'd give others some things they can do if they find themselves unable to sleep. So here's my guide to the Witching Hour:

1) Hit 'em up on the mobile!

The majority of my friends are West Coast based from my days in LA and Oregon. Sure it may be 1am in Vermont, but its only 10pm in LA, baby. The night is still young. It's the perfect time to call your old friends and catch up on life events. Or like me, you can just spend some time casually talking about how the industrial revolution was the catalyst for society's inevitable downfall. Your friends will talk about how thoughtful you are - how its so kind that you call them weekly to check in and just say hi. You're gonna come away with a glowing reputation AND having killed at least 30min of your never-ending night. Everyone wins. The only thing you need to remember is to spread out the calls. They'll start to think something is fishy and not genuine if you call them every night. Throw your insomnia around like a fucking hot potato. Let all your friends benefit from your misery.

2) Conspiracy Theories

Can't sleep? Take it from me, nothing passes the time like going down the conspiracy theory rabbit hole. Sure there are the biggies like 9/11, JFK and Roswell - but if you really want to lose a few hours, check out the Denver Airport or those adorable Flat-Earthers. In my opinion, the kookier the better. Anyway, once you're done learning about Saddam Hussain's STARGATE, you'll have knocked a couple hours out and will be plum tuckered out!

2.5) Cult Leaders

Much like Conspiracy Theories, reading up on Cults and Cult leaders can be informational and a great way to pass the time. Start with L-Ron and the gang, then move on to Jonestown, Heavens Gate, The Rajneeshees, Polygamists - there's a great big world of weirdos out there just waiting for you to find. The only thing I'd caution is that if you go too deep into this for too long, its easy to come away thinking that sure, while David Koresh was a monster, he did have extremely kissable lips. Life is fucked up like that.

3) Binge, Baby. Binge!

This is a given - you can't sleep and need to pass the time until its light outside - the easiest thing to do is lay in your bed and watch the hell outta a tv-show. The good news is, while binging a tv show is the most slovenly thing I can think of, its also incredibly en vogue. You'll be able to tell your millennial friends that you Netflix and Chilled. They don't need to know it was just you and a half-feral rescue dog. Keep that to yourself.

Honestly, the closest thing I've had to a relationship in the past year has been with Dr. Frasier Crane. Watching all 11 seasons really brought us closer than ever. So instead of counting sheep, take a trip to Seattle and the high-stakes world of radio psychiatry! You'll eventually drift to sleep and awake to crave tossed salads and scrambled eggs...they're calling again.

4) Stress Crafts

This one is more for the nights you're not only awake but also have a bit more energy than normal. Get some iron-on letters, felt letters, pom-poms, sequins, pepperoni slices, whatever you have handy and decorate a tote bag or t-shirt. The thing about this task is that its not about the end result. Who cares if your tote bag is unusable because you hot glued bic razors and cotton balls all over it? It's about the process. Take your time. Start small and work your way up to creating real monstrosities! Soon you'll be as skilled as me at creating nightmare art that eventually wears you out enough that you can grab an hour or two of sleep.

But a disclaimer, be wary of operating glue-guns while sleep deprived. I one time ended up with the letter "P" hot glued to my bare thigh and don't recommend it.

And finally

5) Anxiety Attacks

So you can't sleep and you've exhausted all other options. You've rehashed Trish's boyfriend woes for the umpteenth time (Dump him, Girl!!), now have VERY strong opinions on Chemtrails, wrote an erotic short story about Jim Jones of Jonestown, because you have a thing for crazy men in aviators, and have watched every fucking episode of WINGS. Now what? Well, I'm sorry to tell you - there's really only one thing left, and I guarantee it will wear you down enough that you eventually sleep. Give yourself an anxiety attack. You're probably thinking, "its not like you can control those kinds of things"...WRONG.

I dare you NOT to have one at 3am, after you've been laying awake for six hours, staring at the ceiling and thinking about all the little things that have added up to get you HERE. Pour over every decision and every relationship and every misstep. Why did you never get promoted? Why have your relationships never worked out. Maybe you actually *don't* deserve happiness. Did you ever think of that? Compare yourself to your friends. Realize your best years are behind you. Think about all the things you didn't have the guts to do. While you're at it - contemplate the after-life. Really dig into how trivial and short this life will be. Before you know it, you'll be sweating and freaking out. It's an awful way to pass the time - but its effective in exhausting you to the point you'll happily drift off into a fitful few hours of sleep. Sure, you'll probably end up having anxiety attacks all the time, but it's not like you have anything else to do anyway, right?

So, I'll spend today like I do most days - walking around in a sleep-deprived haze and dreading the coming night. This is the payment I've received for ten years of dedication and hard work....my payment is looking like Nosferatu and having an encyclopedic knowledge of Guthy-Renker's late night infomercial offerings. Which is something, I suppose.