HGTV Erotica

I’m attempting to do some cleaning out of old files and such, and completely forgot that there was a period of time when I used to write erotic stories about HGTV hosts. I apologize for nothing.

For your reading pleasure - this short is called:

HOLMES INSPECTION: RUNNING HOT

…. The crew had packed up their tools and gone home for the night. Despite the weather delay, and the fact that the termite damage was much worse than expected, Mike Holmes felt great about how much they had accomplished that week. Most nights after a long reno, Mike would head home, crack open an ice cold Molson, throw a couple tanks into the wash, and settle in for some Dateline and much needed rest. But tonight, well tonight, there was one last thing he needed to wrap up before he could consider this project done.

Mike pulled a bottle of Old Spice from his tool-kit, splashed it on his neck, grabbed his trusty thermography camera and went back in to do one last check in with the home-owner, Gayle.

 Gayle was plum tuckered out from all the heartache over her faulty renovation – the renovation that Mike and his team had come to correct.  She had poured her savings into trying to fix the damage, but both she and the property felt too far gone – financially and emotionally. The strain over the reno had torn apart her marriage, leaving her alone and living in shambles. Of course the help of Mike and his team would be a huge godsend as far as her living situation went – but there was one last thing that needed to be done in order to “Make it Right”….

 The backdoor was cracked, so Mike walked in, where he found Gayle on the chaise with a well deserved glass of Moscato. Simply Red’s “Holding Back The Years” quietly playing on the stereo. She didn’t notice him come in, so he stood in the doorway, watching her – eyes closed – sway her head to the sensual music. Gayle was world weary, but behind the furrowed brow and stress, he could see the woman she really was.

The floorboards gave him away as they creaked beneath his weight. Gayle, roused from her thoughts, turned to see Mike leaning in the doorway, looking every ounce the Canadian beefcake that he was. She bashfully smiled up at him. “I thought your team had already left – everything okay?”, she asked. Mike, with a glint in his eye, smiled back and said quietly, “There’s just one thing I needed to do…..to make sure everything was property handled….”. He slowly lifted up his thermography camera, wickedness dancing on his ruddy face.

 “I always like to check the heat flow – to make sure I did my job and nothing is running too hot”….He lifted the camera up and began triggering points around the room. Each reading registered the correct temp. “Just one last place to check” he said, as he pointed the camera’s sensor at the special place betwixt Gayle’s legs….the camera beeped….Mike whispered as he sauntered over to her chasm, “Oh dear…..looks like someone is running way…too…hot”.

 He stood above her. She shuddered with longing. He placed the camera on the chaise and slowly undid each clasp on his overalls. The straps fell around his waist. He slipped his white tank over his head, revealing his pink, freckled, barrel chest. Gayle sighed and fanned herself. She’d have to be made of stone not to be turned on by his strip tease. Mike giggled, slipping his overalls around his ankles, stepping out of them. He was just in his white fruit of the looms. Gayle felt as if her loins were afire. Blood rushed through her body. But Mike wasn’t done yet. He hooked his thumbs into his skivvies and slowly pulled them down, his erect member springing to life after being freed from the confines of his underwear, like a Canadian Mounty saluting Trudeau. “Oh My” Gayle whispered. Mike leaned over Gayle, hooked his meaty finger under her chin, lifting it up to him and said, “Let me make”…he kissed her deeply…”It”… his tongue slid into her open and receptive mouth…”Right”….

 Mike peeled off Gayle’s track suit like it was a layer of drywall in a historic Ontario home – he couldn’t wait to see what sort of antique wonderment laid beneath. Her body didn’t disappoint. Though she had seen better days, he knew with a little spit and elbow grease, he could bring that lady back to her prime.

 His calloused hands ran down her bare skin. She shuddered with want. He smelled of wood glue and maple syrup. He was a man through and through and it had been so terribly long since she had been taken by a real man. And take her he did. 

He caressed her breasts and kissed every square inch of her body. When he reached her pleasure zone, her body reacted by bucking like a well worn circular saw. She squealed in delight - he was driving her crazy. He kissed and licked and gave her love box the complete Mike Holmes inspection. She cried out as she came, and he looked into her eyes and said, “Now I made it right”…