So, I haven't really "felt" my age, whatever that means, until this year. For the past decade or so, I've existed in this cloud of 28-ish? Some sort of nebulous late twenties haze. I'd had enough life experiences to not feel like a spring chicken, but I still had this image of myself with time to figure things out...time being the key factor. Because, whether we realize it or not, woman are fed this belief that we have to have our shit figured out by the time we reach 40. Want to write a novel/script/become a big shot in business? Better have your track locked, loaded and executed by 40. Want to get married and have kids? Hope you've met your soul-mate or at least a decent sperm donor by your mid-30s so you can pop out kids before your body starts decomposing before your eyes. Which obviously happens the second you hit 40 (unless you're a deity like Halle Berry. She gets a pass). But I never truly felt that pressure from time until this birthday, and when I did, boy, did I ever. Which might be why I decided it was time to attempt to figure out my life and how I got into this whole mess in the first place. It felt like the era of spinning my wheels had passed and it was time to implode it all. Because I'm now on the darkest side of 35 and looking into the abyss. And don't come at me quoting Aaliyah with "age ain't nothing but a number", because that was written by R Kelly, a known pervert and bad man. And its also bullshit. People who say "age is only in your head" are either younger than you and trying to make you/their future selves feel better...or rich enough to have access to all the serums, surgery and Tracy Anderson Method that their non-wrinkled skin desires. It's all a sham, and us Poor are inching closer and closer to death.

Annnnyway, I tell you all that so that you'll understand how I made a terrible, terrible mistake venturing into nostalgia this morning. See, I had been talking with my friend Lexi about dickbag dudes in general (as we're known to do), and we both realized that our low standards of what a man should bring into our lives (which at this point is, like, being alive and not hitting us?) directly correlates with the guys we found attractive during our formative years. For example, many people, who are functional adults, had crushes on your Brandon Walsh, your Jake Ryan, Your pre-Subway Birthday Party Mike Seaver. Cool and understandable. However, those fellas never got my rocks off - I was the girl who liked the main guy's horrible best friend. You know, the really big asshole who leads the hunk astray? Yeah. Gimme dat. You can keep your Duckie and Blaine in Pretty in Pink, I wanted to hitch my wagon and loins to the real star, Steff!! Sure he was an asshole, but he was the smartest, most capable, and completely emotionally unavailable. PERFECT! St. Elmo's Fire? GIVE ME BILLY HICKS ALL THE WAY. Sure he was a philanderer, a mooch, a terrible sax player, but by god, he was hot and also, say it with me, emotionally unavailable! SCORE! You can see a pattern here, right? It wasn't until MY SO CALLED LIFE that I, along with every other 14-16 year old girl I knew, ALLLLLLLLLL had the same crush. Jordan Catalano was HOT. He was also very dumb. Which normally isn't my aesthetic, but did I mention he was hot and also emotionally unavailable? So, this morning, with Lexi's conversation fresh in my mind, I made a rookie-ass mistake and decided to rewatch the MY SO CALLED LIFE. Because what could possibly go wrong with watching a show you worshiped nearly 24 years ago?

And oh God it was a bad idea. Truly. It's not like I didn't have a horrible suspicion that this would end with me drinking black coffee and staring out the window into the snowy wilderness, pondering my mortality. But like most things, I was like, "fuck it" and doubled down. When the show came out, I felt SUCH a connection to Angela Chase. I suppose most teenage girls did. It was incredibly well written and realistic. Her teen angst and general discomfort in her own skin, I really felt on a cellular level. Even now, watching her squirm around her parents, it transports me back to NE Texas in mid 90s. I didn't grow up in the same sort of family she did - I definitely didn't have parents who were super active and involved in my life. I was left to my own devices. No siblings to torment. No moony neighbors crawling up my trees and being in love from afar. Nah, none of that. However, I did have grandparents who did NOT understand me (and bless their hearts, didn't up until the day they died). So while I didn't have the same home life, I did share Angela's deep disdain for high school, my hometown, and, life in general. I was like a lamer, louder, and quite a bit meaner Angela Chase. Trust me, if I could've figured out a way to skip classes, I would've. Instead, I used my bitterness and teen disgust to torment any teachers that I felt were "less than" (looking at you Ms McCann, Mrs Hogue and my hideous drill team instructor that took over senior year). I also, sadly, learned to hone my sarcasm so as to cut down classmates that I knew were peaking in high school and would use their small town connections to still hit it big, which was and is bullshit. I was the poor man's Dorothy Parker of Paris High School. I also had some older friends who played in a "grunge cover band" in a shed in their parents backyard and we'd go over to watch them rehearse. Sometimes we'd sneak warm Zima with jolly ranchers soaking in the bottom. Wild times. Trust me, the more Zima you consumed the more you enjoyed a real low-rent cover of The Toadies "Tyler" being played about 2 beats too fast. I wish I were making this up, but in my hometown, that was the epitome of cool. I felt like I was very much watching Tino and Jordan playing with the Frozen Embryos...Instead it was a couple of older dudes who I knew from youth group, earnestly singing bad covers, and wearing knock-off UNION BAY flannel. Slim pickings, folks. So, again, while I knew it would be a mistake to rewatch, there was a part of me that couldn't resist the nostalgia. Whoo boy.

So the thing that happened was, while watching MY SO CALLED LIFE, I had an "Ah-ha" moment. And not a good one....I had this weird feeling I couldn't place. Which I chalked up to that melancholy that comes from nostalgia. And then it hit me, it wasn't melancholy. I was irritated and mad, and it was because all these teens are BAD and I AM AT THE AGE WHERE I'M NOT ONLY RELATING TO, BUT SIDING WITH PATTY, THE FUCKING MOM!!!! You want to go from being a nebulous 28 to a geriatric in a heartbeat? Rewatch MY SO CALLED LIFE.

Angela and her friends, and even Graham, the man-child husband, who truly was a piece of shit, put Patty down and made her the bad guy, and y'all, the entire time SHE WAS FUCKING RIGHT!!! Patty saw shit for what it was, and she was JUST trying to protect bratty, self-involved, Angela. And what did she get for it? A HUSBAND WHO CHEATED AND A DAUGHTER WHO DISRESPECTED AND HURT HER FEELINGS AT EVERY TURN. And you KNOW the younger daughter ended up being worse than Angela. She was a brat. WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

Anyway, drawing on my middle-aged mother feelings. Here are my thoughts:

ANGELA IS WHAT PMS FEELS LIKE. She is moooooooooody and annoying and irritating and the worst. And like PMS, you know this is just a season, of sorts. A week later, you won't be as homicidal. But while you're in it/watching her brood, you want to set the world on fire. I am thinking back to myself at that age, and if my angst was anywhere NEAR Angela's, coupled with my sarcasm and "I'm smarter than all these motherfuckers" attitude....Jesus Christ. I need to take out an apology ad in The Paris News to say sorry to anyone who had contact with me from 1994-1998. Christ. I mean, I remember the way she felt, and I get it, truly - but holy god, teen girls are the WORST!!!!

HOLY SHIT JORDAN CATALANO WAS HOT BUT TOO DUMB TO FUCK! Like, we weren't misremembering his bone-a-bilty. Jordan Catalano could and always will be, able to get it. But, upon rewatching, and this needs to be said in a delicate way, but was his character supposed to be, actually, off? Because....there's a difference between being held back and being a little behind and working with a barely functioning brain stem. All of his behavior/intellect points to him being a bit...touched. Tender-headed and such. And why was he was in regular classes? This makes me think maybe the school they attended wasn't all that great? Why are Angela and Brian in the same class as Jordan? Doesn't make sense. Not buying that. Like maybe they'd be in a homeroom but not literature class. Jordan couldn't read let alone break down the plot of The Diary of Anne Frank. Anyway, Jordan was VERY dumb. Hot and dumb. Like a sensual Forrest Gump. Only Forrest Gump would be a Rhodes Scholar in comparison to Jordan Catalano. God he was dumb. Ok, this is a hot take, but, if I am drawing on my experience as an adult woman, I will say this to teenage Angela (Morgan) - do NOT fuck a hot Forrest Gump who 100% lacks the maturity to do the deed and treat you with respect. I'm saying this to teenage Angela. Adult Angela? JORDAN IS THE EXACT TYPE OF PERSON to horn-it-up with in your mid-30s. Save this dumb piece of ass for when you will TRULY appreciate his hotness. Wait till you have a grasp on what you want and need sexually, and then exploit the fuck out of that. Bone him into oblivion. Oh, I should note, I mean an 18+ Jordan Catalano. Not underage. No Mary Kay Letourneau shit, y'all. Anyway, back to fucking hot dudes. SO. The moral is, don't let his dumb ass trick you into bed as a teen. You won't appreciate it the way you should. And do NOT settle for Brian (see below). Find a middle ground. There has to be a decent dude who will still make out with you in the boiler room, but is a sorta, entry level fuck. I hate myself.

BRIAN KRAKOW 100% SAYS "ACTUALLY".This motherfucker...I'm sorry, did he have no pride? Skulking about in trees. Being a fucking pretentious, holier than thou asshole. Oh I hate him so much. Brian definitely ended up being one of those dudes who likes to "neg" girls to break them down until they have no energy to say no to his advances. He calls himself "a nice guy" and then hides behind that to become spiteful and mean when women reject him. He for sure mansplains and probably wrote a 2,000 word missive on Medium defending Aziz Anzari. Bottom line, Brian was a creep and an asshole and we ALLLLL know some asshole like him. ROT IN HELL, BRIAN!

RICKY WAS TOO GOOD FOR ANY OF THOSE JERKS. Poor, Ricky. He was kind and caring and I 100% think that Rayanne only hung around him because it made her seem edgy. And Ricky fucking deserved more than that, man. You know who should've been Ricky's best friend? Sharon. Had Sharon not been such a wet blanket, I feel like she really could've been great friends with Ricky. They both have sensitive souls and seem to enjoy a drama free life. Rayanne just wanted to drag him along into her chaos because he was too sweet to say no. And I hate her for that. And Angela was too self-involved to even give Ricky the smallest amount of attention that he deserved. Now that I think of it, Patty should have adopted Sharon AND Ricky. Angela and her sister, whatever her name was, could live with Graham and his mistress, and Patty could be a loving mentor and mother to the only nice people on the entire fucking show. Yeah I said it.

RAYANNE WAS A BAD PERSON. Y'all, I know people find her beloved and kooky and she had a bad home situation - but that doesn't take away from the fact that Rayanne was a manipulative bully and BAD INFLUENCE! I wouldn't want anyone I know to hang out with someone like Rayanne. She was actually dangerous and swallowed up everyone around her into her chaos. More than that, Rayanne was a mean girl. Rayanne was pretending to be Ricky and Angela's friend, and then would do things like, I dunno, outing Angela's crush on Jordan, throwing Ricky under the bus, saying mean-ass shit to Angela to get her to implode her life, so that Rayanne felt important, involved and had a reason to fucking talk to Tino. Raynnne was the type of girl, who if you told her your crush, she would pretend to be on your side and then would end up fucking the dude you liked, and would turn it all around and act like it was somehow your fault. And you'd believe her because thats the kind of tricky, mean bitch she was. Rayanne intentionally drove a wedge between Angela and Sharon and Angela and her mom. Because Angela was weak and Rayanne pounced on that. I hate Rayanne. I hate her dumb hair. I hate her frenetic energy. Rayanne was the WORST. Also, she was DANGEROUS. Her mother was DANGEROUS. Patty was RIGHT to not want Angela to be around her. You can't save people like Rayanne. Bad seeds gonna bad seed, and such.

GRAHAM WAS A SHITTY PERSON AND HUSBAND. This piece of shit. He always made Patty out to be the "bad cop", when in reality, she was just trying to protect Angela's heart and to give her some guidance. All he wanted to do was pout because he wasn't the boss and because he was unfulfilled cooking for his family at home. Then this shady motherfucker starts, at LEAST, an emotional affair with the cooking lady. Leaving Patty to shoulder all that shit on her own. Fuck you, manchild! And it makes me SO. FUCKING. MAD. GROW UP, MOTHERFUCKER. Put your dick in your pants, whip up hollandaise sauce for your family and thank God your dopey looking face could even come CLOSE to banging Patty, dickwad.

God, it really feels fucked up to realize I'm now "the parents" age in all the movies, tv shows and books I consumed growing up...I mean, thats some shit. And again, until this year, I didn't feel it at all. Now? I'm preemptively looking up mobility scooters and osteoporosis meds, because what else is there to look forward to at this point? The insult to injury is, I'm not even a mom!!! All my friends are - I can understand their maternal instincts kicking in and causing them to reevaluate bad teen choices. Me? I'm a weirdo living alone with two dogs and five seasons on THE NANNY DVR'd. You'd think the Universe would allow me to keep on thinking I'm a "young", but nope. Nope. It punches you right in the gut and makes you see things like your parents did at this age and it SUCKS.

While I was writing this, we ended up having a big snowstorm. By the end of the day, we should have a fresh foot of snow. Thats on top of what was already on the ground. I've been shoveling myself these past few months, but today I bit the bullet and paid the lone teen on my street - a real Krakow, to be honest - to shovel my driveway for some cash. I have NEVER felt older and also more powerful. Let it snow. I don't care. This teen weirdo will dig me out of this snowy prison. I am Patty. Hear me roar!

PS - In case you're need of some mid-90s nostalgia:

A playlist featuring Live, Luscious Jackson, Jill Sobule, and others