So here’s the thing about Diane Keaton’s character in ‘Baby Boom’... the thing is, she didn’t just up and move to a quaint Vermont village solo. No, she full on had a baby living with her. I know, right? It’s like it’s in the title, but still took me a bit to process once I moved here. And that’s honestly something to consider if you plan on uprooting your life and moving to Vermont based on a classic rom-com from the 80s, like I did. Because she moved to Vermont as part of a team, and sure she was lonely and stressed sometimes, but she had someone to make apple sauce for, god damn it! She had to take care and nurture this little human despite the snow and solitude. I on the other hand, well, I just have two mutts that, for the most part, don’t need constant supervision. I’m not part of any unit. I’m solo, sugar I am a rock. I am an island. And that leaves my days....open. Very open.

A good friend reminded me that I tend to do everything in extremes - so if I went from working 24/7 with no free time, it’s only natural that I’d act like an insane person and move to small town Vermont with nary a responsibility other than, like, not killing my dogs. I’m making a lot of breakthroughs as far as recognizing patterns of behavior. Which is honestly, not that fun. I don’t recommend it. So in between moments of deep shame over years worth of weirdness and codependency, I try and fill the remaining portion of my days as best as I can - with daily trips to Burlington to workout and box. I try to write. I’ll craft cards and inappropriate tote bags for friends. I light magic candles. I roast root vegetables. I read. I go on hikes (which I’m now rethinking since I was warned about being mistaken for a Moose given that it’s hunting season. There’s a lot to unpack with that). I rewatch ‘Baby Boom’ and wonder what the fuck I’m doing with my life.

And most days I take a long, hot soak. Maybe two. Baths have always felt like the most decadent, feminine treat. I’m not super “girlie”, but I love a really great bath. Sue me! I truly pick hotels based on the bathtub situation. When I quit my job during my bosses European Vacation from Hell™, I knew I’d be fine because I was staying at Claridge’s. And Claridge’s has a fucking fantastic tub. I’m not kidding - it’s phenomenal. It’s long and deep enough to allow me to float on my back with my legs straight out. Like a corpse. Like a dead and bloated floating corpse in a super luxurious bathtub, filled to the brim with bubbles from the Penhaligon’s Malabah bubble bath, that I may or may not have spent all my petty cash on once I bounced from the job. So, what I’m saying is, I’ve always felt that taking a hot soak could help put things in perspective, help you detox from life, be a medatative vessle, etc. etc.....

And then yesterday I was reading the fantastic book, “You’ll Grow Out Of It” by Jessi Klein and came across the chapter called, “The Bath”. I was stoked - just another funny lady gabbing about my favorite pastime. Great, right? No. Not great. She took my escape and peeled back the layers and now....I feel exposed. Long story short, she is not a fan of baths. And then this...

Ah fuck me, Man. Can you see how the page is all wilted? ITS BECAUSE I WAS READING IT DURING A SOAK.

The thing is, she’s not wrong. Maybe it’s dramatic, but it’s not wrong. Because if I’m being honest, I take a bath when I don’t know what else to do. Just soak until I figure something out.

It hit me this morning, while I was reading a self-help book book at the bar while having brunch for one (I swear it was less pathetic than it sounds), that the reason I’m having an issue figuring out how to live my life, is maybe because I’ve never seen myself as the lead character? I’m no Diane Keaton. I’m the sidekick. Look, there’s a need for a good sidekick, so it’s not like I view myself as pointless. I just see myself as this side character who helps give flavor to the lead’s life. I’ve always viewed myself as a Janeane Garofalo. She’s witty and great and people like seeing her in movies. They enjoy her while she pops in to spice up a scene and then she disappears into the scenery so the real actors can do their job. She’s great as a sidekick...but when they put her as a lead, no matter how compelling the story, the movie just doesn’t catch.

I’m Janeane Garofalo and this is my THE MATCHMAKER and I do NOT know how to be the lead in this movie. I don’t know what it’s like to not exist solely to serve others. I don’t know how to put myself and my desires first. This is not a good casting choice, people! I’m not qualified.

I’m sure I’ll eventually figure out my role. Figure out how to actually live. But until then, I can’t look at my soaks the same way. And I’ll probably get shot hiking, so that’s out.

I just gotta figure out what my personal “Applesauce” will be....